I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize