i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
