i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
