Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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