GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
