He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sarcasm needs its own font
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
