If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
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