if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
