i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
