I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
