You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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