I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
