I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
