Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you didnt know i had herpes?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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