My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
