Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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