shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
