I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
