She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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