There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Randomize
