gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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