Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
