i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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