Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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