my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My vagina is officially offended.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
