Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
