3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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