I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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