I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
