I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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