There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
