take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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