I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
