I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
