There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
