Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
