At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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