if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
