how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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