Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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