sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
