I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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