Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
