Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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