I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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