I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
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