My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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