Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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