Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
