3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
