Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
