Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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