i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I am available for nakedness
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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