It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
