So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
