you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
