Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
