I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
